I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
