Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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