Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize