The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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