She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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