If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
