Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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