please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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