david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize