So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
