Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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