Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize