I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
