she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
