hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
