ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
