I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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