plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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