I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
