I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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