people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
