My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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