You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
