we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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