I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
