So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
