Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
