As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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