My hand turned me down
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
