I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
