and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
