So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i think my cat just said my name.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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