you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
