my mouth tastes like poor choices
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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