Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
