Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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