there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
