No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
