If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize