she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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