there's paper in my vomit.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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