One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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