Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Randomize
