im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
