come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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