captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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