i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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