Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Randomize
