Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
