I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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