I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
