3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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