I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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