I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Such a big mess for such a small penis
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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