Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize