those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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