we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
