Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i would punch a child for taco bell
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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