when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
