I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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