Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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